Outgrowing the Old Shoes

Plucky fellow survivors, you are not alone in your journey away from harmful dysfunction. By choosing to “outgrow” your narcissistic family cult, you've become part of an army of brave beings who've found better fitting "shoes" now. Welcome, brave soul! The giant leap away from "the cult", allows us to take responsibility for our own lives. From time to time we may gaze back into history, but we could never jump back into it.

I am not the same person I was a decade ago and yet, every day I’m becoming more like myself than I ever was before. My belief is that you will come back to you. Finding yourself will take some time. Be patient! Over the course of six years I made a point of figuring out what had happened to me and to my family. What I discovered changed me forever. I changed for good because I didn’t like who I had become inside the family dysfunction. I had been made weak, indecisive. I was too eager for other people’s crumbs. I had turned to groveling, a “yes” person who had no idea what she wanted out of life, from making simple menu choices at the drive thru McDonalds to being able to conceptualize any life’s goals I dreamed of. 

This may be the case for you.

We used to look to a mother, father and siblings who made choices for us. When at every turn, they took away our options and hung us out to dry at critical junctures, the truth began to dawn. We awaken to see that we've been blown sideways; we've allowed the complete neglect of our core beings, all at the whims of others. 

When we begin to change and grow, we discover the religious or familial "shoes" we were “wearing” suddenly got too tight for our growing feet. What we outgrow may include an unsafe family, religious cults, their influences and control. Along with outgrowing may come the unintended shedding of well-meaning but fully unaware friends. Even relatives other than our siblings may withdraw from us, shocked that we would abandon our family or church.

We may not see that one coming, the loss of friends or of outlying family. Friends whom we thought were just that–friends–may not support abandonment of family, no matter how furtive our explanations. To a non narcissistic person the whole of narcissism is just so unbelievable. For the uninitiated, there still remains a lack of awareness concerning the workings of narcissism and its devastating effects. Sadly, used-to-be-friends may side with our narcissistic families. Forgive them. They know no better.

However, should this happen to you, you will find support here. More help is available to survivors than was when I was seeking answers to my predicament.

When we choose to walk away from an unhealthy system we learn to expect the unexpected. Sometimes we feel like whackamoles; every time we raise up, we gat whacked down! However, out here is a compassionate community of thriving beings willing to support you. As we have put on our new shoes, we will help you with yours.

No way would we return to the narcissists’ fold in order to get friends back. It would be like trying to squeeze into those tiny, hurty shoes all over again! We'd have to give up our hard-won autonomy! Even the thought gives me a tummy ache. The pain of returning to the fold of unhealthy dysfunction is far worse than the loss we suffered as a result of leaving. If we return to the "family fold," there would be a price to pay--obeisance, groveling apologies, putting up with abuses and control.

In that light, the choice is made easy. In the mean time, survivors can find new friends and support systems that fit better with who we are.

I made the heart-wringing decision to let go of my birth family who I love. Also lost were disbelieving friends and members woven into a social support whom I loved but had also outgrown.