Ya Makin' Me Crazy!
When the abuser tries to tell you that you are losing it....
Whether you are in an abusive system or have removed yourself from it, it is important to be able to recognize the full array of tools the abusive individual has at their disposal used to keep their target under. One tool is called crazy-making. This voice of doubt the abuser plants may poke around the nooks and crannies of your brain, the niggling one that invites you to doubt yourself, your word, your own experiences, and your perceptions of events. Did I understand that right? Did I misrepresent what I just saw, what I experienced? I would never want to misrepresent someone…I wouldn’t ever do that, would I?
No you would not.
Crazy-making comes in many forms, all designed to sow chaotic thinking, confusion and doubt. In the end, when we doubt ourselves, we lose confidence. Self-checking, self regulation are important, yes. For instance, part of the human experience is that sometimes we may doubt ourselves or a decision we’ve made, though I’m not talking about healthy evaluation of self, which is necessary and healthy. I’m talking the kind of doubt that causes you to change the reality of your experience because someone has practically forced you to, by undermining your reality with red flag statements similar to the following:
“You’ve always had trouble with perception. Think again. Are you sure?”
“That’s your overactive imagination talking.”
“When was the last time you had your eyes checked?”
“I never said that.”
“You should get counseling.”
(Actually, after living with an abuser you will definitely need counseling, but not for reasons the abuser conjures up….)
(Laughing) “No one would ever consider you as a reliable witness to a crime.”
(At the Burger King drive thru) “You can’t even make a decision on what to eat.”
“There you go again, taking what I said and twisting it to fit your weird reality.”
While this is going on, a voice inside the victim is shouting, “NO!” and “NOT TRUE!” to these statements. Over time, though, under the inexhaustible number of variations on this theme used by the abuser to make you feel like your mind is out of control, the inner voice wears thin from fatigue. This is insidious, and I would propose that we all sit up and listen to that protective voice every time it shouts “NOT TRUE.”
I would propose that we remember this: just because the abuser refuses to acknowledge an event does not mean the event did not happen.
I would propose also, that we not allow the wearing down of our intuitive voice.
What we see is what we see. What we hear is what we hear. The effect of the abuser’s words, of broken promises, of future faking tries to alter our perceptions, and it attempts to undermine our confidence. Well, guess what? We shall not change our perceptions. By recognizing red flag statements, we shall stand firm. We shall not allowing crazy-making to wear our protective voice thin. I wish they taught this stuff in the school systems….
What I’m watching: How to Make a Narcissist Miserable
Something fun and instructive I’m into: Jimmy Fallon, Idina Menzel & The Roots Sing "Let It Go" from "Frozen" (w/ Classroom Instruments)
Join us, won’t you, tonight from 7-9 for Healing From Narcissistic Trauma: A Safe Space Meetup?
Kind regards,
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